Costa

2 out of 5

Feedback from my legions of adoring fans (denoted in old English as 3000-6000 Cavalry… apparently Horses really dig snarky literature about Coffee) suggests that nobody likes reading about how much I like places. It is far more in keeping with the current economic climate and British-ness in general for everything to be awful and to moan about it so that others can node sagely and agree.

Also it’s a lot more fun to get good and worked up about a coffee being awful and it allows for much more colourful comparisons, like saying their drinks are about as enjoyable as eating a pine cone dipped in marmite. So I guess it’s time for me tackle the first of the ‘Big 3’ Coffee giants, that employ a workforce the size of a small country to make substandard Coffee and avoid corporation tax.

Costa then, fair warning it isn’t the worst or most evil of Big 3, more of a slow-witted lumbering giant who is tricked by the villain into carrying out their schemes but doesn’t really know any better. I actually do visit Costa (when nowhere else is available) but their drinks leave me feeling flat and disappointed rather than angry. They over-milk absolutely everything (apart from the Cortardo which is by far and away the best thing on the menu) and the quality of the coffee varies wildly by location and individual barista.

I know for a fact the machines they use are good, the coffee itself is good and I guess the milk frothers are up to scratch (it’s hot air how bad can they be?), but for a company with 1000 times the resource of any independent branch, why can’t they be as good? At the very least kidnap a wandering Kiwi or Australian (all the best independent places seem to be run by them) and get them to teach your staff, there must be a few of them leftover from the world cup who have yet to fly home?